English humor possesses inimitable charm. Surely you will agree with this statement by reading this post to the end.
But first it should be noted that the British consider it somewhat prim and arrogant, and real legends about their calm and composure. All this you learn by reading the jokes below.
And no matter what anyone says, but English humor is a fount of cheerful mood, although at times it is so thin that it is not noticeable.
So, we bring to your attention the most interesting in our opinion. english jokes. Enjoy your reading.
The American descends from the ramp at Heathrow:
- What a nasty weather! How long will it last? - He asks a local resident.
- Unfortunately, I do not know, I live here only thirty five years.
In an English club at a reception, one lord says to another:
- Sir, I heard that you recently buried your wife. What grief! And what happened to her?
“You know, sir, she died ...”
I hit an Englishman on an uninhabited island. Ten years later he was found, looked - built three huts.
- Sir, but why three?
- The first is the house in which I live; the second is the club I go to; and the third is a club I don't go to, sir.
And this is a joke about the harsh English restraint:
A gentleman comes out of the hotel elevator and heads for the reception.
- Good morning, sir! How did you sleep?
- Thank you, good. You just have great numbers! Excuse me, do you have a glass for me, sir?
- Yes of course! Here it is, sir.
“Tell me, could you fill it with water, sir?”
- Yes please. So much water enough, sir?
- Yes thank you.
The gentleman leaves with a glass in his hand.
A few minutes later comes back with an empty glass.
“I'm afraid to seem annoying, but could you fill the glass one more time?”
- Yes, of course, sir.
The gentleman leaves and returns with an empty glass.
- Fill more, sir?
“Yes, if you please, sir.”
“I'm afraid to seem immodest, but let me ask you a question, sir.”
- I beg you, sir.
“Sir, have thirst, sir?”
“No, sir has a fire in the room, sir.”
Early morning, Thames Embankment. An English gentleman in leotards is pressed from the parapet. A policeman stands nearby, looks at this picture and speaks:
“I beg your pardon, sir, it seems to me that your lady is long gone.”
Student philologist takes an exam.
“Well, sir, my friend, you answered quite well, and here's the last question: what can you tell about humor in English classical literature?
“Professor, have you ever seen a mosquito pissing?” the student asks suddenly.
-So, humor in English classical literature is even thinner ...
"Bunting, sir!" - This is an extremely popular meme, which received its distribution after the television series "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson." Whoever watched it at least once, will never forget the expression of the face of a famous actor and his intonation, with which he uttered this phrase.
Accordingly, and humor on the topic:
- What do we have for breakfast today?
- Bunting, sir.
- And for lunch?
- Bunting, sir.
- And for dinner?
- Bunting, sir.
- And tomorrow for breakfast ???
- Casserole, sir.
“Oatmeal, sir ...”
The tactful Englishman, to tell the secretary that she is fired, puts it this way:
“Miss Jones, you do your job so well that I don’t even know what we would do without you.” But since Monday, we still try.
Bookstore, London. Comes buyer.
- Hello, sir. Tell me, do you have books on useless dialogues?
- Yes, sir.
- Sir, let me express to you my sympathy. I heard that your wife ran away with your footman.
- Trivia. I was going to fire him anyway.
Sinking ship. An Englishman with a pipe in his mouth turns to the captain:
- Sir, which of the smoking boats?
Two Englishmen play golf. One takes aim for a long time and cannot hit in any way.
“I’m not confident today,” he says, as if making excuses.
- I am afraid that I will not get - my wife stands there in the distance.
“Yes,” agrees the second, “from such a distance it is difficult to reach.
One lady tells a gentleman about her first husband:
- I met him at 20, and left him at 23.
- Yes, I think that three hours is enough.
An English lady calls a footman:
“You will go to my mother-in-law Mrs. Chatterly to the hospital now, she is very seriously ill and inquire about her well-being.”
A footman left and returned three hours later.
- Well, how? Have you been to Mrs. Chatterly? Asked how she feels?
- Yes, madam.
- Well, you can go.
“Everybody says that Charles is a terrible hypochondriac.” And what does this actually mean?
- A hypochondriac is a person who feels good only when he feels bad.
In a British hotel, a receptionist approaches an American tourist who is impatiently pressing the elevator button.
“Sir, the elevator will be here soon.”
- Elevator? Oh, you mean elevator.
- No, sir, here we call itelevator.
- But, since it was invented in America, it is calledelevator.
- Yes, sir, but since the language was invented here, it is calledelevator.
Ireland. There is a fight near one of the pubs. An Englishman approaches the fighting and asks:
“Excuse me, is this a private fight, or can everyone get involved?”
In the restaurant.
- Sir, what will you eat?
- I would like what the man at the window eats!
- This is impossible, he will not give up ...
2 gentlemen are walking, they suddenly see a dead horse on the road. One says:
“I'll take her home, sir.”
- But why?
“Well, imagine, bring her home, put her in the bath, go back to the office and call the servant to prepare a hot bath for me.” When he comes back and tells me: “Sir, you have a dead horse there,” I will answer: “I know.”
Both laughed, together they dragged the horse home and put it in the bath. A gentleman calls a servant:
“Barrymore, please prepare me a hot bath.”
- Yes sir.
“The bath is ready, sir.”
- But there is a dead horse too !!
- I know, sir.
What is the noise in the street, Barrymore?
-Demonstration of sexual minorities, sir, they demand equality and the possibility of having sex as they please, sir.
-But no one forbids them, why do they make noise?
-Pi ... races, sir.
Morning, a butler runs into the hall shouting:
- Flood, flood!
The lord gets up from the chair, straightens the rug and says:
- Michael, what kind of manners? Retire and announce as it should be!
The butler leaves the room. A minute later, the door opens and the butler announces:
- To you Thames, sir!